Two weeks ago I volunteered to take the Army physical fitness test. It’s not the first time. I’ve taken the Air Force test several times as well. Last year I rucked 26.2 miles with my favorite soldier; both of us carrying packs weighing over 50 pounds.
Why?
Am I a masochist? Which the dictionary defines as “Someone who obtains pleasure from suffering mental or physical pain, punishment or humiliation.” Am I trying to prove something? Why do I like taking PT tests and running military obstacle courses when most of the people I know who are actually in the military hate those things? Why in the world would I voluntarily walk 26 miles through the dessert, carrying a big heavy backpack.
Voluntarily!!
Ah. That is the key. That little word right there.
I am voluntarily choosing to do these things. Just as easily, I could choose to quit if I want.
Nobody told me I “have to”.
My military family and friends are required to do these things. They must, and if they choose to quit, there will be heavy consequences including a whole host of mandatory programs and retesting.
Do you see the difference?
This is true for everything. We hate to be told what to do. We hate to be limited. We hate mandates. We inherently rebel against these things.
Why would trying to make health and fitness changes be any different? How many times have you, “gone on a diet” and been told (or told yourself), “you CAN’T have that” or “you can ONLY eat this”? You “have to.”
What happened?
What typically happens is that we obsess over the things we’re not “supposed” to have. I normally only have carrot cake two or three times a year. I love it but I don’t keep it in the house and I don’t bake it so that’s just typically the way it works out. It rarely crosses my mind. If you told me this afternoon that I could not have carrot cake. I would want nothing but carrot cake. I would think about it all the time.
When you look at this picture, what are you thinking about?
I know this for a fact. When we lived on Okinawa, there were no granny smith apples on the island. None. After a while, it seemed like every commercial that came on television, every show, and every magazine I received in the mail, contained granny smith apples. They were sitting in a bowl on the table, somebody was eating one, or they were somewhere in the frame. I obsessed about those green apples. They were everywhere – except my grocery stores. All I wanted was a granny smith. Some months later, we flew to Guam for a week and I ate 3 or 4 apples a day. Every single day.
What does this mean in the health and fitness arena then?
It means YOU have to choose to make a change.
You have to be the one to decide to forgo this or that.
You have to be the one to decide to make time for exercise.
You can’t – you won’t – do it just because you’re told you have to. Even if the person telling you to do it is your doctor, your spouse, your mother, or one of your children.
YOU have to determine why you want to lose weight, quit smoking, eat healthier, have your annual health screenings, and the like. You.
None of it works if you’re not ready to make a change.
Mindset might not be sexy (I mean, I think it is but that’s just me) but it’s absolutely critical!!!
My passion is teaching and coaching. Always has been.
Yelm, Washington
Formally I have taught scuba diving, basket weaving, public speaking, fitness (personal training), nutritional habits, planning for retirement, conflict resolution, scrapbooking, customer service, leadership, supervisory skills, and human resources. Informally much, much more. It really gets me excited when a person I’m working with “gets it”. When the light bulb comes on and they’ve truly learned something!!!!
There have been countless such moments but one that I specifically want to share in this post.
I want to talk about scuba diving. Yes, under-water Jacque-Cousteau-esque scuba diving and, yes, your health and fitness. Give me just a minute to make my point.
I should probably start by telling you that several of my friends claim I have an ability to relate any topic back to whatever I’m talking about at the time. I suppose that’s true but it’s just because I see lessons in everything. I love to learn even more than I love to teach – and the way I do that is by linking things together; by picking out whatever it is about “this thing” that relates to something I already know and building from there.
Sea turtle dive, Oahu
Here’s the story. As a Dive Master (think assistant instructor) working with a class off the coast of Destin, Florida, I was assigned the most skiddish, most nervous person for some additional one-on-one. This was her first open water (not in the swimming pool) dive. She was petrified! Worried about going under water. Worried about “what if this” and “what if that”. She thought she wanted to do this but now she wasn’t so sure.
With some gentle coaxing, a firm hold on her shoulders and a directive “look at my eyes…nothing else”, we started to slowly descend. I could feel her start to calm down. She looked at nothing but my face. Before she knew it, she was on the bottom. We settled for a second and then she turned around. I could see the excitement on her face. She was “there”. She had done it! Before long, she was swimming beside me waving her hands excitedly and pointing to this fish; wanting me to see that plant. It was all so new. It was so amazing. She could barely control herself and more than once she tried to talk through her regulator.
I LOVE this stuff!!!! I’m excited (again) just sharing the story with you!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 times a million.
Okay. Cool story but what relevance could this possibly have to health and fitness?
Five different things that I can immediately think of – and likely much more if I were to give it any amount of thought.
I. While the “big picture” definitely has its place, taking in too much all at once can be overwhelming.
Drift dive, Palau
Changing your entire way of eating, going from zero to six days a week of exercise, quitting all caffeine and becoming a calmer person is just too much change at one time. In fact, we’ll see this very scenario play out en mass in just a few short weeks. People expect to wake up on 1 January as completely changed individuals – renewed, refreshed, and perfect. No vices whatsoever. Focused merely on peace, health, fitness, and happiness.
Having goals is admirable and wanting to improve yourself is fantastic! There are proven reasons for why so many of us like to change on dates like New Year’s. But nothing magical is going to happen during the night on 31 December while we sleep. We shouldn’t expect to wake up on 1 January, a completely different person. Narrowing our view and focusing on only one change at a time will work better.
II. There is value is having a support system. Whether it is a friend, a family member, or a coach who’s been there, done that.
Deep dive, Chuuk
Having someone to hold you accountable, push you a little bit, but also support you and be there to bolster your resolve can be a total game changer.
It doesn’t have to be forever but it sure is nice to have someone there when you’re first getting started.
III. Focus on what you’re trying TO do; not the thing you’re trying to stop doing.
Okinawa, Japan
I didn’t tell my dive student to stop worrying, stop thinking about what was going to happen or stop anything. I told her to put her regulator in, to look at me, to let the air out of her BC, to start to descend.
One step at a time. One new thing to DO. The stop-doing stuff just happens on it’s own as we focus on something new.
IV. It’s important to celebrate the little steps toward your major accomplishments.
Somewhere in the Pacific
The girl I was working with wasn’t certified at the end of our dive. She still had to complete another dive, and take her written test. There’s no guarantee that she’ll be completely comfortable in the water every dive after this. But…she thoroughly enjoyed THIS dive. She wasn’t worried about the next one, or her test. She didn’t think about the past or the future. She was thoroughly excited about what she was doing in the present. This moment. Now. She was happy. (So was I!!)
V. Plan your dive. Dive your plan.
This is a safety provision every diver learns in one of his/her first classes. By developing a plan before the dive, you know how deep you can go, how long you can stay there and whether you’re going to need to complete a safety stop or not. You don’t have to make things up as you go. Diving your plan means staying within the parameters you’ve set: doing what you said you were going to do. Keeping to your goals.
Whatever your goal is – above or below the surface, make a (logical, realistic) plan and then stick to that plan. It’s absolutely okay (maybe even necessary) to make minor adjustments as you go along but you don’t just throw out the plan and create a brand new one, in the middle of your dive.
When I recited The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost, at a high school oratory competition, I had no idea how much of an impact the poem would actually have upon my entire life.
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
The first stanza reminds me, continually, that all of life is about choices.
I choose what time to get up in the morning.
I choose whether to start my day with gratitude and intention or to wait for things to “just happen” to me.
I choose whether to have breakfast, and what to eat.
I choose whether to exercise or not.
I choose to pack a lunch or be left at the mercy of “what’s available” when I’m hungry.
I choose to leave for work on time, or to spend a little more time somewhere else and be forced to fight traffic.
I choose to stop for coffee or not.
I choose to say “good morning” and smile at people as we start our day, or to ignore them and stay in my own head.
I choose my reaction to the weather, and the traffic, and the supervisor who comes in with demands the second I arrive at my desk.
I choose to check e-mail, and Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram, and Pinterest – or I choose to get right to work.
I choose whether to take a few breaks through the day, and remain productive, or to feel chained to the desk getting more lethargic as the hours pass.
I choose to go to the gym or not.
I choose to go straight home or not.
I choose what to have for dinner.
I choose to interact with family and friends, or to veg in front of the television until it’s time for bed.
I choose when to go to bed.
I choose what to do for a job.
I choose whether to stay in a relationship.
I choose who to have for friends.
I choose who to share my deepest secrets with – and who not to.
I choose to learn, or not.
I choose to better myself, or not.
I choose to be happy, or not. To be positive or not.
I must also choose to accept responsibility for these actions, and this is the part we don’t like. This is where the big deal mindset shift happens. This is where I can’t blame somebody else – anybody else; I can’t blame the situation; I can’t blame the weather, or the day, or the supervisor, my spouse, or, or, or……..
I must choose to accept responsibility for my own actions and any repercussions that come from those actions.
I am in charge and I choose to act like it.
The third stanza reminds me that time is of the essence. The time to make the decision is now and while I may have full intention to come back, to later make a different decision……..
Tomorrow. Next Monday. Next month. The first of the year. Once I finish the degree. Once I get the promotion. After the kids get older. When I have more money.
…….rarely does that ever happen. “Knowing how way leads on to way, I doubt if I should ever come back.”
I asked this in my Facebook post this morning. I’m asking it again here. Now.
“Where will you choose to put yourself today? What will you choose to make yourself available to?”
For all of us. Not just me. Not just you. The “experts” too!!
Thinking about sitting right where you are and waiting for your life to start – at some point, some day….
Realizing that life is actually passing you by, is scary!! Scarier!!
I am my own worst enemy and I’m really good at feeding that insecurity monster, questioning my own abilities, not feeling quite good enough. Ever. That little voice in my head is a B*&^%!!!! She doesn’t like me to dream too big. She doesn’t like me to get too confident. She doesn’t want me to live up to my full potential. She wants to keep me, and my goals, my dreams and my life….small. Do you have one of these internal trolls?
That story I have on perpetual replay in my head will stop me from doing ANYTHING if I listen to it. The narrator of that story is a liar. I listen to her but I call her out on her untruths too. Frequently.
Here’s what that looks like. I remember the first time I gave a speech – in the 7th grade – wearing my classmate Sharon’s puffy vest with a tube of chapstick in the pocket because she told me if I kept my hands in my pockets and concentrated on taking the cap off and on, it would help with my nerves. It did help!!
From there, I entered a couple of oratory competitions. Think that seems kind of weird for a person who’s scared of public speaking?
Well, if you’ve known me more than 5 minutes, you also know that I push myself out of the comfort zone constantly. I don’t like being uncomfortable so I make myself do these things until I’m no longer “as” scared. I believe – with my whole heart – that FEAR is (quite typically) false events appearing real. The stories I’ve written in my head about what’s going to happen have always…without exception to this point….been worse than reality. So, yes, I entered several speech competitions specifically because I hated public speaking.
…and, I gave a speech at my high school graduation – without a vest and without chapstick. 🙂
From those meager beginnings, I have been public speaking “formally” for 11 years. It’s my full time job. I created a business based on it.
It actually makes me laugh when I think about it. I mean, I had horrible anxiety speaking in front of that 7th grade class, and now I do it 3-5 days a week. Oh, my first few months were, AGAIN, incredibly scary. I stayed up all night, studying. I’d teach until 4; sweating, stammering, and stuttering. Back in the hotel, I’d sleep for 3 hours and repeat. It was NOT a lot of fun. I was exhausted. I was continually stressed. I apologized when I started class that “the material isn’t overly exciting and I’m not a trained instructor.”
Wow! Talk about throwing yourself under the bus!! I would NEVER have said that about anyone else! With friends like that (inside my own head) I certainly don’t need enemies!!
It was ONLY when I got to a point and said,
This is bullshit and it can’t continue. I know what I’m talking about. I have a choice here. Just do it or give up. One or the other.
that things started to get better.
One morning (no doubt I was likely sleep deprived and not thinking too logically) I literally just threw my notes in the garbage on my way out of the hotel (so that I would have no option to retrieve them when I got to the classroom) and decided to “wing it”.
Holy crap!!!!! I was nervous starting the day but I was far, far less nervous than I had been before.
I’ve been winging it ever since. Considering I travel and present about 200 days a year (197 last year) it seems to be working.
When I started my own company, I was scared. Really scared. I gave up a steady salary for the “possibility” that I might have work. I didn’t know what to charge. I didn’t know how to get customers. I didn’t really know how to teach. I was uncomfortable. So I made myself do it. I studied. I practiced. I got better. I have an excellent reputation and customers now ask for me by name. I’m very proud of that. It was a lot of hard work.
Please don’t misunderstand, though. There are still (plenty of) days when I question my abilities. Days when I wonder if I’m doing a good job. Days when I wonder if I’m “really” the expert. My students think so. My clients think so. On a good day, I think so….. but there are lots of times I feel like a charlatan. I haven’t “arrived”. I don’t think anybody ever really does. That’s a story we tell ourselves when we look at other people because we only see the outside. We don’t know how they’re feeling.
There are days when I want to quit.
Fact is: I can. Anytime I choose to.
So far though, a good pep talk ending with
You have a choice here. Just do it, or give up. One or the other.”
…has kept me going.
This isn’t some cute little illustration. It’s not a motivational statement. It’s the truth. Oh my gosh, it’s the truth.
Fear can stop you. Fear can keep you small.
or
Fear can motivated you. It can push you.
There’s one thing I know for sure. This is not a dress rehearsal. There’s no “do-over”. Once this day…this moment…is gone, it’s gone. Forever.
Maybe, it’s time to stop living small, even though it’s scary.
It’s time to stop waiting for your life to begin, even though it’s scary.
It’s time to stop just dreaming….no, that’s not even it. Many of us never find the courage to EVEN dream, much less work toward those dreams.
It’s time to wake up.
It’s time to live.
It’s time to do something….something you want to do….something you’ve dreamt about….something that makes you feel alive….something….anything.
No one can do this for you. It is your life. Yours alone…and until you look at the narrator face, to face, call him/her a liar and truly, truly, know that you deserve better than this, you will feel stuck.
I read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, a few months ago. It is an absolutely amazing book!!!! I loved it so much that I bought a copy for each of my children, my sisters, and my husband.
Brene harkened back to a speech Teddy Roosevelt gave in 1910. I frequently repeat this to myself.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails whiledaring greatly.”
I had a former client come to me this morning and ask, “Can you help me lose 20 pounds? As quickly as possible.”
It’s a cycle with this gentleman, and he’s not unusual. Not at all. In fact this is something I typically hear.
“Can you help me lose XX pounds?”
“Can you make it as quick as possible?”
Females say, frequently: “I need help with my butt, thighs, tummy, and under the backs of my arms.”
And, as frequently, Males say: “Help me lose this gut.”
These things are typical. Common.
…and fraught with issues.
Can I work with this gentleman on eating better, and exercising? Yes!! Will that change his body composition? Yes!! Can I promise he’ll lose 20 pounds? Nope…and that’s not a reasonable goal.
Plus, the truth is, he doesn’t want to lose “weight”, he wants to lose “fat”. There’s a huge difference!! If you want to lose weight, throw out the damn bathroom scale! Presto. Done.
If you want to lose fat, and change your body, learn to incorporate healthy nutrition and movement habits into your life – for life.
Why in the world would I say that?
Because I know how little weight has to do with anything. These two pictures are both of me. There is 3 (exactly THREE) pounds difference between the two. Yes, my pose is different BUT look at the difference in my legs. Look at the leanness of my back and the curve of my waist. Three pounds.
If I hadn’t taken photos, I would likely have been upset at, “only losing three pounds”. You know that’s true! Have you ever been upset for only losing a couple of pounds? I don’t focus on the weight now – I focus on the changes. How I look. How I feel. How my clothes fit. How strong and capable I feel.
So, back to this morning. This client’s cycle is pretty typical too.
He comes back every year. We work together. He sees changes and feels great….so he stops. Everything. He stops exercising, he stops eating the way he knows his body likes, and he gains the weight back. He has the all-or-nothing mentality that so many of us fall victim to. He’s 100% on-plan or 100% off. There is no in between; no moderation.
He wants the weight loss to be “as quick as possible”. Losing 1-2 pounds a week is boring. Being consistent for several weeks but not seeing a loss at the end is disheartening. “Just” losing inches but not seeing the scale move can stop people in their tracks. But that’s the way it works.
The reality is, this guy doesn’t really want another, “quick fix”. None of us do! What we want is to get healthy and maintain a body that not only works well but that we’re comfortable in.
THAT’S a goal we can live with! For life.
How much better would it be not to have to crash-diet once a year?
How much better would it be not to stress out about what we weigh, yet still take care of ourselves?
Yes, it’s possible….
Here’s the secret to that…
Are you ready?…
This is IT…
===> Do what you can, with what you have, right where you are now! <===
A nutrition plan (any plan) is only going to work if it’s something you’ll actually do. It will only work for the long-term if it’s something you’ll actually stick with. Right?
Exercise will only work if it’s something you’ll actually do. It will only keep you healthy if it’s something you’ll actually stick with. Right?
There is no one-size-fits-all….not in clothing, not in nutrition, exercise, nor life. We are individuals. What works for your friend may not work for you.
Fresh, organic, minimally processed food is always going to be the best. That’s a great goal, a fantastic goal, to work towards.
BUT…. Sometimes life gets in the way. We got busy. We ran out of time. We forgot. We didn’t feel like it. An emergency popped up. That stuff happens to every single one of us!
L.I.F.E.
Life is not neat and orderly. It doesn’t go as we plan. Life is messy, and disorganized, and crazy sometimes. To be honest, that’s exactly what I love about it!
Do what you can, with what you have, right where you are now. Make the best choice from the choices available.
For example, it’s ideal if you’ve planned ahead and have eggs, protein waffles, over-night oats, egg white muffins, fruit, nuts, Greek yogurt and other delicious, healthy things in your refrigerator ready to go.
BUT…. If your only option for breakfast is going through the McDonald’s drive through, pick the fruit and yogurt, or an egg (or egg/steak) McMuffin (vs biscuit). Discard the top half of the muffin, and ask if it can be grilled without extra butter. OR keep a protein bar in your purse/desk drawer for the times you’re running late.
It’s nice to have had the time and forethought to make your lunch ahead of time and bring it with you.
BUT…. If you didn’t do that and now the office is going out for lunch, pick something that contains protein and veggies. Maybe that’s a salad, maybe not. Choose something that is grilled instead of breaded and deep fried, limit the sauces and dressing you pour on top.
It’s nice to get to the house and make a home-cooked, nutritious, dinner. It’s ideal if you cut up some veggies, grilled a bowl of chicken, or cooked something in the crock pot on Sunday for the entire week. Grabbing something vs cooking is definitely more likely to happen.
BUT…. Sometimes we’re tired. There’s nothing in the cupboard. We didn’t have time to go grocery shopping. Cooking up some frozen veggies, instead of fresh, to go with your chicken is absolutely fine. Have two or three restaurants that are on your way home, pre-programmed into your phone. Call for take out – again, make the best choice you can. a salad from Chipotle is going to beat pepperoni pizza for nutrition and satiety. That’s just an example. It doesn’t have to be salad and it can be pizza…..
I’m just asking that you think about it.
“What are your choices right now? What would work? What is the best choice from those things?”
The same is true for exercise…..convenience, convenience, convenience!!! I’ll save that discussion for another day.
One that has left me a little reflective, and sitting outside at Starbucks, penning my thoughts.
Here’s what led me to this place and time. I taught a Federal benefits class today from 7:30 – 3. 97% of my students were women, ranging in age from 40 – 66. They asked relevant questions and the class was very engaging for all of us: my favorite.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
At 3, I dismissed the class and half of the ladies came up front to talk to me.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Except.
They didn’t want to talk about benefits or the class I had just conducted. They wanted to talk about my body and threw out all kinds of comments / questions. “How many hours a day do you work out?” “You must work out like crazy!” “How much do you eat?” “Do you eat carbs?” “How do you keep your arms looking like that?” “Are you a personal trainer?”
It made me feel great. Not just the compliments although, I’m not gonna lie, yes, those were awesome!!
It made me feel great because they wanted to hear about getting fit, and I love talking about ithat!!
We all sat back down and I spent 45 minutes answering questions about nutrition and exercise. THIS is my passion so you know I would have been happy to talk for another 4 hours!! It was amazing!!
Except.
They had a counter to most of the things I told them. A reason for not “being able” to do these things. Here are three examples.
QUESTION: “How many hours a day do you work out?”
ANSWER: I don’t work out for hours! I tried that a couple of years ago. Let’s just say, all that (excessive) working out, didn’t work out. My body may have looked good. My life was a disaster. I was an emotional wreck. My relationships were in turmoil. I was unhappy.
I travel a LOT, and I spend all day in the classroom. I work out 3, maybe (if I can fit it into my schedule) 4 times a week for a maximum of 45 minutes, but frequently much less.
COUNTER: Oh. I don’t have that kind of time.
ANSWER: None of us think we have that kind of time. Use what you have. Fit in something. Walk (this office is surrounded by landscaped trails) before work, during lunch, or before you go sit in traffic and head home.
COUNTER: “I always plan to but I just never find the time….”
QUESTION: “When you workout, do you use the elliptical or the treadmill?” and “What can I do about this hanging skin under my arm” (aka the tricep muscle – many women, as they age, notice changes in this area, primarily due to a lack of use).
ANSWER: Neither usually. First, there are no “rules” for exercise. To begin, find something you enjoy and do that. Whatever it is. Personally, I do occasionally run on the treadmill but I prefer to lift weights. That’s the best way for us to lose fat because it allows us to build muscle which increases metabolism. Weights are so important, ladies! To help hedge osteoporosis, to burn calories, to lose fat, to gain or maintain muscle – to “fix” those triceps that you asked about, to be mobile and independent for as long as possible, throughout our entire lives.
COUNTER: “I’ve heard a lot of people say that weight training is good for me. Maybe someday I’ll try it…..”
QUESTION; “Do you starve yourself? Do you do a no-carb diet?”
ANSWER: NO!!!! I like to eat much too much to starve myself and that approach doesn’t work. Have you ever tried to stick to a strict diet? Did it work? That kind of restriction frequently leads to binging and over-eating later. Carbs give us energy. I need them to stand up here and teach all day. I eat carbs but I’m a little choosy about how many I eat. For example, I ordered a philly cheesesteak sandwich and a small salad (containing spinach, mushrooms, carrots, banana peppers, beets, cucumbers, and half a cup of pasta noodles). I didn’t eat the roll that my chicken came in – not because it was a carbohydrate, but because it was nothing special. It was like a plain hotdog bun and it didn’t add anything to my enjoyment of the meal. So, I didn’t eat it. I did eat the pasta. We get to choose. Just because someone in the cafeteria decided this meat should go on this bread – doesn’t mean I have to agree. I put the meat on top of my salad.
We just have to think about what we’re eating and be mindful about our diet – not stress out about it.
COUNTER: “That makes sense but it seems far too simple, and I like to drink wine.”
ANSWER: It is simple. It’s not always easy, though.
You can drink wine. I’m not a “wine person” but I drink Bailey’s in my coffee and a lot of my friends drink wine.
COUNTER: “Ah, but probably not a bottle or two every night……”
That is probably true…..
Here’s the thing: LIFE IS A SERIES OF CHOICES.
This statement doesn’t just apply to nutrition and exercise.
LIFE IS A SERIES OF CHOICES. Every single day. Every single time. With every single thing.
You have a choice. You are in charge. You are the only one who can be. You have to take responsibility for those choices and you, you alone, have to live with the consequences of those choices.
If you want to reach a goal. If you want to change something – anything – it IS going to require you to make some different choices.
Doing nothing is a choice too. It’s a choice to remain what where you are with what you have.
If you’re a friend on my personal page, you probably saw this post last Thursday.
What you might not know is that I hesitated, for about 30 seconds, before sharing that post.
…and, here’s why.
I thought, “I share this every year when I see it come up in my Timehop. People are probably tired of seeing it every year. In fact, it’s been almost six years now since my entire family came home (my son was deployed to Iraq at the same time that my daughter and my husband were deployed to Afghanistan.” For those who don’t think such a thing can happen, I assure you, it is a fact and it was one of the hardest years of my life). I thought, “Maybe I shouldn’t mention it this year…..”
Just as quickly, I hit post.
…and, here’s why.
I thought, “If any of my family members had been killed in action, I would post every year and think nothing of it.
No one else would think anything of it. People would understand that that kind of pain never goes away.
Why, then, wouldn’t I celebrate their return?”
We have a tendency to do this though, don’t we? As a society, I mean. We focus on the bad. We focus on the negative. We hold onto the things that hurt us. Those things are part of our fabric. We should not forget them. We won’t just “get over” them – at any point.
I don’t think we should. I don’t think we can.
All I’m asking is, “Why don’t we celebrate the amazing things just as fervently?”
Why don’t we join one another in the celebration of the positive? Why don’t we cheer as quickly and fully, as we do to reach a hand of support? Gratitude and appreciation can be as strong as pain and suffering, if we allow it. If we embrace those things.
1st Iraq tour, homecoming. I cried (no exaggeration) at some point every day for a full year.
This day is as important to me as any birthday or anniversary.
It is the day my son came home! It took years before I was able to walk through an airport and see military members in uniform, without breaking down into tears. Sometimes I still do.
But I will celebrate this day every year for the rest of my life – as will I celebrate the days that commemorate my daughter’s and my husband’s safe return.
When my daughter came home from Afghanistan, it took time for her son to fully accept her. It was heartbreaking, Families don’t just pick up right where they left off. Things change.
We have been together 25 years now, and he’s been in the military for almost 21 of those.
Marine Corps Marathon, Washington DC 25 Oct 2015
I am penning these thoughts now because the importance of my decision to celebrate my families return, regardless of how many times I’ve done it before, was reaffirmed in a very strong way today. My husband and I held flags along the Blue Mile today. This is a mile long stretch coordinated by an organization called Wear Blue Run to Remember, created to honor all military members killed in combat.
We were positioned half-way through the Marine Corps marathon in Washington DC. Seeing people of all shapes, sizes, and ages, facing their own challenges and refusing to give up at that point was incredibly inspirational!!
On the blue mile, volunteers (most of whom are either Veterans or military family members) each hold a flag, at the top of which is an embroidered streamer containing the name of one military member who died while serving his/her country.
Some of the runners broke down in tears. Some saluted. Some thanked us for being there. Some took the time to read every streamer and/or touch the flag as they ran by.
I had tears on my cheeks most of the morning.
There were not just names on a flag that we held.
These were men.
They were two sons whose parents did not get to welcome them home.
They belonged to two families who do not get the privilege of posting, “this was the day my son came home” messages. I am grateful that I learned their story today……
Do you know yourself well enough to be able to define “you” in just six words?
The concept isn’t new. In fact, it seems to have been done in various models over the years, but I did it personally just a couple of months ago (more on that in a minute.). The first documentation that I can find, is in the legend that Ernest Hemingway was once challenged to write a novel in just six words. He wrote a heart-wrenching story.
Wow! Less is definitely more here, isn’t it?
Predicated upon the Hemingway story, Larry Smith, in Smith Magazine (2006) challenged people to write a six-word personal memoir. The compiled result was Not Quite What I Was Planning, a collection of six-word self-expressions written by an eclectic mix of people. Some famous – some not so. The point was to answer the question, “Who am I?”
In the book, you’ll find statements like:
“Sometimes lonely in a crowded bed”
“I’m a Muslim. not a terrorist.”
“Life is better with headphones on.”
“Found true love, married someone else”
“Big dreams. Big heart. Big mouth.”
and one of my personal favorites:
I find this kind of thing absolutely fascinating!!!
Fast forward to my experience a couple of months ago. My sister-in-law took a class where each person was asked to identify the six words they would use to describe themselves. Once they were done, they were then instructed to ask friends and family to describe them in six words.
Clearly, I had to try this myself.
I’ve done a similar thing with MANY clients. Not six words, but identifying differences in their perception of self and other people’s view of them.
I ask people to tell me 3-5 things they would like to change about themselves. This is never difficult and, in fact many people can easily identify many more than 5 things they don’t like.
That’s an incredibly sad statement because when I ask them to identify 3-5 things they love about themselves, many struggle – to even just get 3.
I can easily – and do – write them a list of wonderful qualities they have. It’s easy for me. I’m on the outside looking in. But I can’t change them. I can’t gift them self-confidence.
To really know yourself, to really identify areas where you’re struggling, you have to look inward.
To begin, I ask people this,
If I were to go to the people who love you the most, and ask them to tell me 3-5 things they love about you, what would they say?
I want to write more about that!!!! But for now, back to the six-words.
I picked:
Resilient
Over-achiever
Adventuresome
Hard-working
Empathic
Introverted
The words I received from friends and family were:
Brave (I got this word multiple times and I found that intriguing. I don’t see myself as “brave”. I know that I’m scared sometimes but I just do “it” anyway. I refuse to let fear stop me. That – evidently – IS bravery to others who don’t feel my fear but merely see my actions.)
Driven / Motivated (also a couple of times) – – I equate both of these his to my own identification of “over-achiever” and/or “hard-working”
Curious (ah….so very true!)
Athletic (a couple of times)
Authentic (this was my very favorite label)
Alpha
Moody (t’s fair – I don’t view any of these words as “good” or “bad”. I DO have a lot of moods and I’m a very passionate/emotional being).
Adventuresome
Family-oriented (multiple times)
Smart
Motivated
I learned something about myself in this exercise and I think you will too. What six words would you use to describe yourself? After you’ve done that, ask a few family and friends (people who know you quite well) to give you six words. Don’t judge – yourself nor them. Don’t take the words personally – you’re asking for an honest assessment.
The leaves are changing. There are pumpkins and mums everywhere. Fall is one of my favorite seasons. I love the colors, the smells, the tastes!! I love the weather.
I don’t like the fact that the days are getting shorter though, nor that it will be cold soon. When I walked outside (in Virginia) this morning, we had frost on the windshield. Yet, it was 71 when I stepped off the plane in Denver! Maybe I can leave that jacket packed in my suitcase for a bit longer.
Where has the time gone? Not this year (although that too), but the last several months. It seems as though I was just at the beach with my grandchildren. Personally, I’ve been so busy in my teaching business that I’ve rarely had time to even figure out where I am. The months leading up to the end of the fiscal year (30 September) are always the most crazy. Things will start to slow down a little bit now.
Under Family & F.I.T. I had planned to write one blog each day this month.
That has not worked out for me.
Know what, though? I’m okay with it.
And here’s why:
When it comes to setting any goal, first, we should ensure they are SMART goals.
Specific, Measurable, Aligned with our mission and goals, Realistic & Relevant and Time-Based.
In fact, if you’re missing one or more of these components, it’s going to be difficult, to meet your goal.
I was missing one! Here’s how my goal stacked up with these:
– It was specific. I planned to write every day.
– It was measurable. I planned to write – every day.
– It is aligned with my mission and goals. I want to help others by sharing my knowledge and experiences.
– It wasn’t realistic. Being at the airport or getting ready for class at 5:30 or 6 in the morning, flying for hours/teaching, getting to bed at 11 or later just does not lend itself well to me having any mental capacity left to write.
– It was time-based: it was to last just for the month.
I could look at this as a failure. I have not written every day this month. BUT I have written more (9 blogs) than I normally do. That IS an accomplishment and I’m satisfied with it.
**** I did what I could, when I could, with the time and energy that I had available. I didn’t just give up.
Here’s how the smart framework can look with health goals.
What do most new clients tell me they want? “To lose weight”
Simple enough, right? Not really. Let’s see how that goal stacks up.
– This isn’t specific. How much weight? Is it actually weight you’re looking to lose, or it is fat? Or are you really hoping to change the way your body looks or functions? The way you feel? What you’re able to do?
– This isn’t measurable. In fact when it comes to setting health related goals, we should only measure the things we can actually control. I can’t control whether I lose weight. I can control how/when I eat. I can control whether or not I work out. I can start to change the way I think about food. I can control how much water I drink. See the difference?
– Losing weight may (or may not) be aligned to the goal of feeling better or being more healthy.
– This isn’t realistic (see the measurable line in this section….)
– This goal does typically have a time basis assigned. People say, “by my birthday” “before my baby is a year old”, “within the next 12 weeks” etc. The problem is that how, and when, our body responds is outside of our control.
I believe, whole-heartedly, that we should continually be setting goals. Learning new things. Growing beyond where we are right now.
It’s critical, though, that they are SMART. We frequently make the mistake of making too many goals, that aren’t specific, aren’t written, are too big, unrealistic and unattainable.
Is there something you’ve been attempting or wanting to do? How does is measure up within this framework?
It’s been a long week for me. A more accurate description is likely, “it’s been several long weeks rolling together, for me.” There’s been far, far too much travel and too much work for the past several weeks. A friend asked me how many days I’ve been on the road this year. So far: 183.
In fact, after a period of trying to work but being unable to think clearly, I sat down earlier, planning to get up and go to the gym in 20 minutes. I woke up 2 1/2 hours later. No gym time and a “wasted” afternoon 🙁 but clearly I needed the sleep.
What’s up with breadsticks AND pizza?
When this happens, I can get upset with myself, depressed, and start to think I’ve failed. It’s easy to say, “Well, to hell with it then. I didn’t work out. I might as well have an XL pizza with extra cheese, a side of bread sticks (what’s up with the bread sticks, anyway? Pizza IS bread) a large Coke, and a chocolate frosted brownie for dessert.
I mean….I’ve already “messed up”.
At this point, I might as well go all in for the weekend, and just start over on Monday, right?
We are human.
This is life.
We have periods when we can accomplish everything we plan to and other periods where we don’t seem to accomplish much of anything.
Our energy ebbs and flows.
Being an extremist is never good.
– The extreme belief of all or nothing.
– The extreme thoughts (always OR never).
– The extreme diets (1000 calories or 7k…no carbs, or mostly carbs and nothing else).
– The extreme exercise choices (working out for hours or not working out at all).
I know the term “moderation” is over-used today so we tend to tune it out but – that really is where it’s at. Overall consistency. Most of the time. That’s what’s important.
Few things need to be all or nothing.
Few situations are always a certain way.
We may not be able to work out every day – – but we can set a goal to work out most (or even just “many”) of days.
We might not eat well at every meal, or every day – – but we can try to eat well most of the time.
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