I Have No Will to Fight

Family & FIT  |  Debbie Hatch

I saw a meme in my FB feed yesterday.  While I fully understand what they are trying to say, I disagree with the basic premise, so I’ve made some edits.

Yes, I have some scars.

Who doesn’t?

Yes, I’ve been through some things.

Who hasn’t?

Bad things have happened.  That’s true.  But, you know what, so so so many good things have happened too!  As I look back, it’s the times I was stressed, angry, and “disconnected”  – the times I made myself miserable, the times when I made myself feel like a victim – that I regret the most.  My life was difficult but no more difficult than anyone else’s.  I had problems.  Every single one of us does and those we endure are no less but also no more than those other people endure.  This is the human condition.

I can honestly say, “I don’t wake up every day ‘with a will to fight’.”  Even when I was being physically,emotionally, and sexually abused, I didn’t wake up every day “willing to fight”.

I woke up.  I wake up…with a tremendous will to “simply” live.  To enjoy this day.  To know that no matter what happens, no matter what anybody else thinks of me, I am doing the best I can.

But…..and this is incredibly important!!!!

But….to also remember that everyone else is ALSO doing the best they can.

Bad news: You’re not getting it! Good news: Neither is anybody else.

There is no competition for “the best parent” – you do it your way.  I do it mine.  We may be different.  We ARE different.  So are our children.  You might be more patient than me.  Okay.  I might be better at handling conflict than you.  Okay.  You provide different, more, or better things to your children.  So what.  I might provide more/better than you.  We are not in a competition.

==> I’m doing the best I can.  So are you. 

To quote Mark Mason (see information about his book at the bottom of this post) “Our culture today is obsessively focused on unrealistically positive expectations.  ‘Be happier.  Be healthier.  Be the best, better than the rest.  Be smarter, richer, sexier, more productive…  We waste life chasing a mirage of perfection and satisfaction. Our society, today, through the wonders of consumer culture and, ‘hey look my life is cooler than yours’ social media has bred a culture that believes having negative experiences like fear, anxiety, guilt, anger, etc is totally not okay.”

Things aren’t always positive.  We aren’t always happy.  Life is not just full of butterflies and rainbows.  And that’s okay.  Things go wrong.  People upset us.  Accidents happen.  “Constant positivity is a form of avoidance, not a valid solution to life’s problems.”

There is no competition for “the best spouse” and, I can also tell you there is no perfect one.  We do it our way.  Sometimes the problem is not the other person but, rather, our own expectations of what they “should” be like.  My husband didn’t think to pre-position my car at the airport yesterday so I had to call Uber.  He didn’t think to leave me a love note on the counter.  But he DID make sure I had coffee and Bailey’s in the kitchen.  He did call to see if I’d made it home safely.  He did come home as soon as he could.  There are plenty of things I haven’t “thought to do” for him.

==> He’s doing the best he can.  So am I.

Know what?  There is no competition for “the best body” either.  You don’t have to be the same size or shape as your sister, best friend, or that latest most popular celebrity.  Even when I WAS on stage – doing figure competitions – there was no clear cut “winner”.  Some judges want more muscle; some want less.  Some judges want the women to be more lean; some don’t want them “too lean”.  This can change from judge to judge and day to day.  I tell my clients that are competing to be her very best when she walks up there:  to be proud of what she has accomplished, vs how she stacks up to others.  I stopped pinning up pictures of other women, on my gym bulletin board, for motivation and started pinning up pictures of myself.

THIS is the only person I want to look like. THIS is my competition – and also my inspiration.

Some days I love working out – other days I want to sit home and stuff my face with cheesecake (no lie!).

==> I’m doing the best I can.  So are you.

No, I don’t believe we need to wake up every day and fight.  We need to get comfortable with ourselves.  Stop fighting to “be this” to “do this” to “provide the best of everything” to “appear to be the best…..whatever it is.”

This is life.  Period.

There’s no do-over.

We have “good” days (e.g. easy, pleasant and care free) and crappy ones.  But we are alive.  We are!!!  Life slips from our grasp a little more every day.  That’s not philosophy – that’s a fact.

Another favorite quote from Mark Manson,  “We worry about what people are saying about us, whether our socks match or not, what color our birthday balloon is.  As we get older, with the benefit of experience and having seen so much time slip by, we begin to realize these things don’t really matter.  Those people whose opinions were so important to us in the past, are no longer in our lives.  Happiness is a form of action.  It’s an activity.  Not something that is passively bestowed upon you.  It doesn’t magically appear when you finally have enough money to add another room onto the house. You don’t find it waiting for you in a job, in a place, an idea, or a book. You don’t find it at all.  Happiness is a constant work in progress.”

I read (Audible) an amazing book last week while I was driving back and forth to work.  If you’re easily offended by cursing, try to let that go for just a little while because there’s a lot of it here – and it’s not something you want to listen to (without earphones) if your kids are around.

It’s excellent.  Excellent!!!!  My version is cluttered with multiple bookmarks.  If you read it, I’d love to hear your thoughts.